Same day, different post

Just a few more notes about my last post.  I can only really work on that which relates to me.  Everything else involves too much guesswork and inevitably is egoistic in thinking that  know what is best for other people.  With respect to my ex-wife, there are two key aspects which I focus on in my homework.

The first is how she affects me.  I continuously work on disabling the stranglehold which I have permitted her words and actions to have over my feelings.  I have been working with the utmost attention to disconnect myself and be able to choose my reactions more maturely.  She has gotten used to various paths which produce specific fruit for her, so I cannot really blame her for continuing to try – but I can work on having new responses.  The biggest challenges involve guilt and being threatened with things that are of importance to me.  The latter is easier as I have been able to extremely limit that which she has influence over in my life.  I ask for NO favours and have never been in debt to her.  Guilt, well guilt is something that I am learning to get over.

The second key element is how I behave with her.  I have as my goal the ability to be impeccable in my actions.  Lofty goal, I know.  But if I really pay attention and consciously act whenever I interact with her, then I can truly reduce the times that I am the cause of unrest or problems…bring it down close to zero.  Even if she wishes to blame me for things, if I can get to this point then I can honestly feel free of any accountability for scenarios.

I think that life in general is like this.  You can only do your very best, but as long as your very best is where you are as often as possible – then you are doing perfect.  Many people fail to recognize this in their lives because they have some sort of objective concept of perfection which compares their actions to something objective and not to themselves.  The key is realizing the subjective perfection that is achieved each time that we are free to be ourselves and act from our center.

I had a moment of weakness this afternoon with my son.  I had a wonderful morning with him and find myself on the cusp of maybe starting up an interesting business alliance…great day really.  Out of nowhere I had asked him to take his sandals off before going on the bed.  He looked at me with that face of “I’m going to push the line right now.”  I told him clearly that I didn’t want to get angry, but would do so if he didn’t listen to me.  Well he didn’t.  I raised my voice with him.  Now, normally I would say that it was all fine and justified – but while I told him to take his sandals off I find my voice being much more severe and harsh than I wished it to be.   I heard my father’s voice.  It scared me almost as much as it scared him.  I’m not sure where it popped out of, but it was a bit surprising to say the least.

A little while later, before we had a nap together, I spoke to my son about that moment (which lasted about 5 seconds)…he started to cry.  I explained to him the importance of listening to me and also apologized for losing my cool.  I explained to him that it isn’t an easy thing being a daddy and that I am doing my best, but that I made a mistake in allowing too much force to enter into my voice.  I told him that we all make mistakes, and that he too makes them and will continue to make them as his life goes on.  I am trying very hard to teach my son honestly about life.  This includes admitting when I make mistakes and sometimes expressing difficult emotions with him.  It is not always easy, but I whole-heartedly believe that it will be something that he respects and appreciates as he grows up.

Some people are best left be

Ex-wives for example, people who are so very used to the comfort and normalcy of being able to pull strings and get reactions. I believe that these connections may take years to properly morph into something functional. I’ve been divorced for a few years now, but as we have a joint-custody agreement, the contact and connection between has remained strong and often troublesome. But seeing as my son is the key element, it is a necessary evil (our difficulties) that sometimes passes between his mother and myself.

I consider myself to be a fair person, and a kind person – and a generous person. She’s also a good person, just that she has gotten used to an unhealthy way of being in relation to me (as have I in relation to her). She often becomes akin to a little girl that cries for attention, if the attention is not provided then she throws a tantrum or looks for whatever she can touch or manipulate in order to force attention upon her. When I am more generous with my time and energy – I’ll tune into this and try to provide some useful energy or assistance to her without getting involved in her drama. When I am less generous, I just cut off ties for the most part with her and let her deal with her issues on her own.

For example, she may be in a rut and wants someone to feel shitty with her – instead of joining her, maybe I’ll help her do something totally different. I used to be generous with my money, but she has recently declared her independence from me.

I applauded the event, seeing as she wanted to do her own thing without my help – unfortunately for my son, most of the things that we do together as the three of us involve spending money, so he no longer gets to spend time with both of us at once…kind of a baby and bathwater thing. Unfortunately for her, I felt that it should be fair that I remove all help that was not necessary. What annoyed her was that I used to wash my son’s laundry all the time at my place, even when he was staying with her. It was a favour and it was clear that it would eventually be her responsibility to wash his clothes when he was with her. I give her more than enough money each month and explained that she could easily bring it to a laundromat (she has no washer and dryer) – well out of pure laziness she didn’t want to do that and got pissed off. All the same, we eliminated free lunches and such as well as laundry.

So her business has been struggling lately and she is way behind on her bills. Both her cellphone and land-line have been cut off and as her business relies on appointments – there has been no way for her to get calls….so I was at the telephone office to pay my own bills and decided to pay hers. I know, it was a mistake and while doing it I realized that it would probably bite me in the ass. And it did…..she called me on her now-working line to give me the height of shit that she didn’t want my help. My bad.

The crux of the problem is that if two people have problems while they are married, and decide upon having a split-custody agreement with their child – well those problems still need to be addressed. Aside from the stupid ‘favour’ that I did today, I have pretty much removed all influence that I can have in her life and that she has in mine. As such, she cannot threaten things and she cannot blame me for everything in her life. It has been somewhat successful. It is a work in progress…

Off to play with my son.